Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
FUCK WHALES
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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