I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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