OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
