so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
