bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The Olympian is in my bed
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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