Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
