I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
