Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
