This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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