Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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