So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
