i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
