Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
