I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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