Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
