My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
