i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
