took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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