Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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