I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
