What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
