Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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