If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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