well you can't waste a boner
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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