My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
