It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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