He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
