I think I died a long time ago.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
