i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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