Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
