At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
