It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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