I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you made out with another girl for some wings
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
