I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
