I want to make a zoo with you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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