Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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