Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
