I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
