i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
