apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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