It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
