i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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