I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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