You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
