Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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