well I can't set my house on fire every night
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
