you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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