I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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