And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
