I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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