One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
