Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
