i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
